My husband Mark was diagnosed with Sarcoma, a very aggressive form of cancer, when the oldest of our four kids was 15. We rushed out and bought William an old truck and gave him the responsibility of getting his siblings where they needed to be while we dove into this battle of cancer. We believed if we battled well, we would get rid of it and move on. Looking back now, we suddenly put too much responsibility on William, with no real support system. He found it to be too much, and although he took his siblings to and fro, he needed to escape the nightmare of his father’s illness and his burden of responsibility. He found that relief after someone offered him a joint.
As we battled hard that year and the 8 ½ years that followed, William got lost in his attempt to make things OK in his mind. When smoking marijuana wasn’t enough, he began drinking. This led to prescription drugs, driving drunk, and getting lost in his plan to deal with the trauma that his family was living through. This went on throughout his college years. As we battled to get the cancer under control, William became more and more out of control. One day, he chose to confess his struggles. Mark was at work and called me into the office to talk with William. William said, “I can’t stop. I can’t stop drinking, getting high, running! I need help.”
We jumped into action, called insurance, weighed our options, and got him to a detox center. This helped…for a time, but in no way dealt with the real issue of why he was abusing substances. About four months after the detox center, William binged on everything he could get ahold of. It was not planned, but we were out of town, and he was out of control.
That weekend ended in horror when our youngest son Josiah found William passed out, hanging halfway out of his truck in the driveway. He had passed out trying to find the keys to his truck. Josiah called 911 and then us. Unable to get William to respond, he followed the ambulance to a huge parking lot, where they loaded William in a helicopter and told Josiah to head to Greenville, South Carolina. He called us on the road, and we all met there.
Josiah looked as if William had already died. And he had…three times William had to be resuscitated. It was three hours before they would even let us go back to the Emergency room he was in. When we did finally see him, they suggested we say our goodbyes to him.
I could not believe any of it. Weren’t we already struggling? How’d this happen? Did we drop the ball? Was this our fault? I clung to William’s hospital bed and begged God to save him. I promised I’d do whatever I had to, to get him better if God answered my prayer and let William live.
God responded almost tangibly to me: “Daughter, you are not William’s God. If he gets out of this bed, it’s because I say so. If he comes Home to me, it is because I decide. Not you. Let him go! He is mine.” I can’t describe the peace that ran through my veins at that moment. I could not, nor was it ever my responsibility to fix William. Nothing I could do would erase even one moment of his life.
But there is a God who spins our world in orbit. He is Sovereign. He is everywhere, always with all knowledge, and He has a plan and purpose for my son – His son – William. I knew God was there, tending to William’s needs, and that brought me such indescribable peace. I knew it would be okay and that it would work out exactly as God decided it would, whether William got out of that bed or went Home with God.
What William did that weekend to his body was too much for human flesh to endure. His body was done, but God was not. God decided William would remain on this earth. So, Willam lived. He was told the damage done to his body would likely prevent him from walking ever again. But he walked, though his legs never healed, and he had drop-foot in both legs. Eventually, they had to amputate both legs from below his knees, but William walks, runs, and climbs mountains today!
And he does it all with Abba Father holding him in His righteous right hand! I know now William walks closer to God than he ever would have had he not experienced all he has. And with two prosthetic legs, there is no place he goes where he isn’t given an opportunity to tell his story and give God the glory!
Encouragement for Moms:
So, what did I learn from all of this and am still learning today? Some things I want to pass on to someone else…
- I am NOT my child’s god. As moms, we were never called to be their Savior nor to fix our kids. That is God’s job. When they are little, we do so much for them, and our Creator designed for us to come alongside them, teach and admonish them, and pour His truth into them. But we must adjust as they grow older.
- When we mess up, let them see us run to God, confess, surrender, ask forgiveness, and walk in the truth. My husband Mark would say, “Let them fall. They will be wiser and stronger.” This is so hard to do, but we get to live out our faith in these moments. We can trust God.
- Don’t let guilt and shame have a place in your heart or mind! The enemy means to destroy you with these tools. Your kids are His. If you need to, confess and let the Spirit change, convict, and guide you. “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1 – Walk in Him and know the truth.
- Know what you CAN do! Here are some practical and powerful tools.
- PRAY! Always. In faith! Lay it all before Him! Cast all your cares on Him. He cares for you.
- Practice gratitude and thanksgiving (set a timer, and work up to 5 mins, then more.) Be still before God and offer a sacrifice of praise. Breathe in Jesus and breathe out all your worries. Reset when you get distracted. God LOVES when we choose Him every time! This practice really does work!
- Find a friend you can text a code word to, like “Fire!” Or “pickles.” Know they will drop everything and lift you and your child up to Abba in faith, calling down immediate help! No other words are needed. Just the code word, which is the call to pray. This is powerful!
- Ask your child good questions that lead to helping your child at the moment and their sobriety. Things like, “What do you need to do right now to help you in recovery?” Or “Who do you need to call? And can you do that right now?” I also ask, “William, which way are you facing at this moment? Towards relapse or sobriety?” If he answers sobriety, trust him. That will build trust between you two. If relapse, ask those questions above, and let him tell you what he needs to do, and let him do it. Remember, you are not his “savior.” Don’t step back into that role. It was never meant for us.
*Let go and Trust that God NEVER does. He has our kids. The battle is the Lord’s. “He will fight for (them). We need only be still.”
Prayer for Moms:
Abba! Father, you see every tear that falls. I pray for every parent tonight who is walking with a son or daughter through addiction. Thank you that they are held by you. Strengthen us with your very presence and hold us in your arms as we weep, mourn, cry out, rest, and continue to walk in the hope of your salvation. We know the battle is Yours, Mighty King. We know You win!
In Jesus’ name, Amen
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