“Our son is using drugs.”
“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6 ESV
I’ve retold the story of hearing those words spoken to me by my husband many times over the past 17 years. Hearing them never gets easier. Reliving the events of that day is every bit as painful as they were in the moments they happened. When I learned my seventeen-year-old son was using and addicted to illicit drugs, my world caved in around me. How could one of my children be struggling with addiction? While I suspected something was up, it was his father he confided in about his problem. Maybe, he thought telling his dad first so he could share it with me would somehow soften the blow. It didn’t; not one bit. In fact, the low-key way they presented the news to me only made me panic more.
To help you better understand why the news came as such a shock to me, let’s go back a few years. My husband, Steve, and I were both Christians when we married. We waited several years to have our first child, a son. A few years later, his younger brother arrived, and his sister followed. Because neither of us was raised with Christian upbringings, we wanted to make sure our children grew up learning about Jesus.
We took them to church, prayed with them, read the Bible to them, and sent them to a Christian school for most of their education. Because both of us grew up with parents who drank excessively, we agreed not to drink at all as a safeguard against alcoholism in our family. We led our children by example and had several discussions with them about avoiding all substances, since they might be more vulnerable to abuse and becoming dependent on them. You would think with the big deal we made about it, keeping our kids drug and alcohol-free would have been a simple task. That was not the case.
After our first-born graduated and started attending college, we considered it the right time to breathe a sigh of relief and pat each other on the back for a job well done. After all, he had given us a run for our money during high school. Being the class clown and star athlete, he did just about anything for attention. If there was some area in which he could test us, he was all for it. From playground graffiti to ditching school to shoplifting a new pair of shoes because of a dare, or getting drunk on vodka at a friend’s party; any risky behavior was worth engaging in.
By the time he was in his final year of high school, he had already been in two potentially fatal car accidents, one in which he was the driver, and another when his friend rolled his car over and they had to be extricated by the jaws of life. To have that boy graduate with good grades and become a college student with goals and dreams of his own was a dream come true for this exhausted mom.
Our addiction story actually began with our middle son. Since we had dodged a bullet with his older brother, we never suspected that he would have any problems in high school. We had moved him to a public middle school a few years before, where he joined the band and was involved in sports. By the time he reached high school, he was thriving academically and was an accomplished musician and athlete. It wasn’t until his final year of high school that I began to notice changes in his grades, appearance, and attitude.
His father was recently disabled because of a serious back injury, which led to subsequent surgeries and a forced early retirement, so I was working outside the home full-time. While his dad wasn’t overly suspicious, I fixated on the transformation taking place before my eyes. I had already caught him smoking cigarettes, so now I wouldn’t put anything past him. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an over-the-counter drug test for purchase, so I resorted to searching his room and constantly interrogating him, with my investigations coming up cold. Thankfully, it wasn’t long before our son took his dad aside and asked for help.
Without hesitation, I jumped into action. It was “mommy to the rescue” on steroids! Because I worked in the medical field, I asked the physicians I knew for referrals to the best treatment facilities. I was in a state of panic, and no amount of money spent was too much if it meant my boy would receive the help he needed. I had read statistics about addiction and heard the saying, “Once an addict, always an addict,” so I vacillated between feelings of hopefulness and hopelessness.
On one hand, I believed the Lord could and would save my son, but on the other, fear and doubt were my ever-present companions. I also struggled with shame and guilt because I didn’t protect my son from the evils of the world. I hesitated to share what we were going through with others except on a need-to-know basis. This included shutting out our extended family and close friends.
Gratefully, while there were a few bumps along the way, our son was determined to beat his addiction and move on with his life. Because of his journey, he went on to become a licensed mental health worker and addiction counselor. Enjoying the medical field, he later earned his degree and now works as a physician assistant. He is married to a beautiful and supportive wife. With the Lord’s help, he proved the statistics wrong. To God be the glory.
We finally believed we were out of the woods and could go back to living our “normal” lives, but that didn’t prove to be the case. It was only a short time later that his brother, the now college graduate, became addicted to prescription pain medications following surgery. This was during the days when the pharmaceutical companies were misrepresenting the addictive properties of these drugs, and physicians were recklessly over prescribing them. Because my oldest son also struggled with depression and anxiety, these medications were a pleasant relief to both his physical pain and mental health issues.
Soon, he was using and abusing pain pills and anti-anxiety medications. Sadly, his addiction has taken him lower; costing him much more than it did his brother. This includes legal problems, job losses, emotional breakdowns, and the devastating end of close relationships. As his mom, it pains me to watch as he strives to overcome all the adversity he has faced in life. It is my hope and prayer that he will see himself through Christ’s eyes and not gauge his worth according to what the world considers being successful.
That’s what addiction does. It seeks to steal the identity of the one it controls. When those held in its clutches look in the mirror, they don’t see the special person God created them to be. Instead, they believe the lies that they will never change or ever be free from their addiction. While I have been a woman of faith for most of my life, I almost fell for that lie as well. I struggled with keeping faith and hope alive because my eyes were on the problem, not Jesus, who solves our problems.
I looked at my sons and thought to myself, “Ya. They’re doing great now, but it will only be a matter of time before they relapse and ruin their lives for sure.” When focusing on the problem, my fears would outgrow my faith. It was only when I stopped believing what the world says about addiction and started believing what the Lord says, I finally found freedom from the overwhelming fear and doubt I was experiencing.
“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36 ESV
Looking back on addiction’s impact on our family, I must speak with complete honesty. Addiction hit us hard. There is no “get out of jail free” card even for Christian families when it comes to loving someone who struggles with substance abuse. Uncertainty is an ever-present force we must reckon with. For someone like me who craves security, our addiction journey has taken me way outside of my comfort zone. I have come to a place of understanding that nothing on this earth provides us with the security we long for.
Jesus is our security. Our hope is in him. I have learned how weak I am on my own. I can do nothing apart from Jesus. I mean it. Nothing. There were times I was curled tightly in a ball in the fetal position, bawling my eyes out. The ever-raging battle between my faith and fear was endless. One day my faith was strong, only to have my world rocked by bad news and fear take me hostage. My emotions went from one extreme to the other, and my faith went along for the ride.
To explain how bad things got, one day my husband said to me, “You’re going to worry yourself to death.” In defeat, I responded, “You’re right. You have permission to write that on my tombstone. She worried herself to death.” But right then I heard the Lord’s still-small-voice whisper, “No. I want it to say, ‘She trusted God.’”
It was at that moment I decided I would no longer be controlled by my feelings. If I was going to walk by faith and trust the Lord, I was going to have to learn how to separate my faith from my feelings…and my fears.
Learning to walk by faith required that I focus on Jesus and his word. The enemy of our souls wants us to be fixated on our problems, so we live in a perpetual state of fear. Instead, Jesus calls us to fix our eyes on Him.
“Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:2 NIV
I could finally walk by faith by meditating on the word of God and bringing all my concerns to Jesus. No longer do I strive to figure everything out on my own. When I receive news that sends chills down my spine, I have trained myself not to panic, but to pray first and recall the promises of God. This spiritual discipline has helped me to cling to Jesus when my flesh is screaming, “Run for cover!”
I’ve also learned to take my own advice when I’m in over my head. Instead of trying to figure it out on my own, I ask for help. Like in the old game show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, I use my lifeline and phone a friend. As moms of addicted children, we often feel guilt and shame, causing us to want to isolate ourselves because we believe we are being judged or that no one will understand. Let me caution you against pushing everyone away. You will need people you can trust to help you along the way. Find out who they are and reach out to them for prayer and encouragement.
In closing, it is my prayer that you will not lose hope as you walk alongside your addicted child. Remember, the Lord is fighting for them. You are not in this battle alone. The situation may look impossible, but with God all things are possible.
Encouragement for Moms:
Dear Moms – I know the pain you are feeling as you watch your child deteriorate because of their addiction. You probably feel helpless or even hopeless right about now. If you are like me, you have read the statistics and heard the bad reports about how addiction is ravaging the lives of millions of people today. I know what it is like to be overwhelmed by feelings of despair, wondering if my child will be the next statistic or report I read about in the news. Whatever you do, don’t allow the enemy to gain a foothold in your life. You serve a God who cares deeply for your child. He loves them more than you do. He loves them so much, He sent his Son, Jesus to suffer and die for them. He hears the prayers and sees the tears you cry as you pour your heart out to Him. You are not alone. Jesus longs to comfort you in your sorrow. I have witnessed the Lord do miracles in the lives of countless people, including my own children. Remember – with God, all things are possible.
“But Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.’” Matthew 19:26 ESV
Prayer for Moms:
Lord Jesus,
We pray for our moms today. Moms whose hearts are broken because of their suffering children. Your word says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3). We are grateful that you see our children and care about them. You also care deeply about each mom who is hurting today. Thank you for healing us and giving us hope.
In Jesus name. Amen.
Dawn offers faith-based coaching for women who are ready to get unstuck from whatever is holding them back from moving forward in their God-given calling and purpose. This includes help and support for women whose loved ones’ struggle with addiction.
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