After meeting my husband at work, children were the furthest thing from my mind as I was enjoying my 20s. After we got married, our first focus was to buy a house, secondly a car, but we also wanted to expand our family.
After returning from a trip with friends to Virginia Beach in July 2017, I just had a feeling I was pregnant. There were no real symptoms, but I just had a feeling. I took a pregnancy test and it showed a faint line. I lost it (in a good way)! I planned to tell my husband later so I could surprise him and record it. The next day I took another test, and the line was still faint, so I decided to call my obstetrician. The nurse assured me I could come in for bloodwork to ensure I actually was pregnant.
She called me the next morning to confirm I was indeed pregnant. I was at work and began crying on the phone because I was so excited. I ran to Carter’s after work and picked up a 4-pack of onesies – each one a different color. I gave one to my mom, and my husband’s mom, and there was one for each of us. I picked out a blue one, wrote a note, bought a balloon, and set up the camera to capture my husband’s response. After seeing the blue onesie, he exclaimed, “OMG, we are having a son!”
We decided to tell our moms, my dad, and grandma on Saturday, August 8. The next day, I woke up to terrible cramps. I went to the bathroom and saw so much blood. I woke my husband up and we went to the Emergency Room. Even though I was crying hysterically, the person doing my Intake was very insensitive to my emotional state. She offered no empathy or concern for what I was going through.
After it was confirmed that I was miscarrying, I was instructed to follow up with my obstetrician to ensure everything had passed. I realized a lot of people don’t know how to handle telling a woman she is having a miscarriage.
Having to tell our family was the hardest part because we knew they were just as excited as we were. I was upset, sad, angry, confused, and also felt guilty like I did something wrong. At home, I stayed in bed but was not able to rest. I just kept crying. My husband and I grieved in our separate ways. I don’t know if we expressed our feelings about it for a little while. We were both so disappointed.
I had thoughts about the time I had an abortion at 18. That made the miscarriage feel so much worse because I started feeling like I terminated a child that I could have brought into this world. Was God punishing me? I reasoned that at least I would have one child and that feeling would not have been as bad. I was incredibly angry for a while. I did not go out – just to work and back home. It was a lonely time because I did not feel like anyone understood what I was feeling.
My husband and I were determined to try again. Going forward, I decided not to tell him anything until I knew things were okay. If I did decide to tell him, then we would not tell the family until we got confirmation from the doctor and an ultrasound. We tried again and didn’t get pregnant for another year, which felt weird to us.
I was faithfully following fertility videos, eating everything, and taking the supplements that were being recommended. I was using ovulation tests that were being promoted and then would take a bunch of pregnancy tests every day to see if I was pregnant. Finally, one of the tests showed a line! I kept taking tests and the line would get darker and darker, reflecting I was finally pregnant again.
Right when my period was due, I started bleeding again. I immediately called the doctor. After the examination, the doctor told me I most likely had a chemical pregnancy since she didn’t see anything. My blood test showed that my HcG level was lowering back to normal. I bottled up my feelings, only sharing a bit of how I was feeling with my husband, but mostly keeping my disappointment to myself. I questioned God, Why did this happen to me again?
Next, we decided to not track fertility and just see what happened. I began to change my diet – eating smaller portions and drinking a lot of water to lose weight. After a couple of months, we decided to visit a fertility clinic. We ended up going Intrauterine insemination (IUI). This is a procedure where they monitor your ovulation and give you medications to increase your chances of conceiving. My husband’s sperm was “washed” and then inseminated inside me. We did one round, waited for two weeks, and took a pregnancy test, and nothing. I decided not to go back as I didn’t like the bedside manner of the staff there.
Tired of the disappointment, we decided to take a break and focus again on saving for a car and the purchase of a home. Once we moved into our home in 2019, the pandemic hit, and we decided to start tracking my ovulation to try again, but nothing happened. I told my husband I was tired of trying and wanted to have our baby.
I saw people having children around me – friends, family coworkers, and celebrities. I was angry that that God kept giving others what I desired. I was angry and upset when I saw the news or something on social media where someone would abuse or hurt a child. I kept getting angry at God thinking, “You gave all of these people children and look how they treat them I would never do that to my child.”
I began tracking my period via an app and when I missed my cycle, I decided to take a pregnancy test. It came up positive. I didn’t tell anyone, not even my husband. I called my doctor, telling them I had a faint line on my test so they would bring me right in for a blood test. My numbers showed a possible pregnancy, but since they were low, they wanted me to come back for additional testing. When I returned the next morning, my numbers had decreased and by that evening I started bleeding. God – What am I doing wrong? What lesson are you trying to teach me that I’m not learning? I decided I would not tell anyone – not even my husband.
We decided to go to a new fertility clinic – Reproductive Medicine Associates (RMA) in Marlton, NJ. By the time we pulled into the parking lot, tears started rolling down my face as I was having second thoughts about having to go through this experience again.
As we walked into the fertility clinic, I was terrified. Everything we had experienced up to that point ran through my mind, and I was scared about what they were going to say was wrong with us. As soon as I entered the exam room, the floodgates opened. The doctor allowed me to cry. She was so nice, and I knew we had found the right place.
The doctor asked about our history and miscarriages. I couldn’t even get the words out beacuse I was crying so bad. I ended up revealing my 3rd miscarriage to my husband, after which he was understandably upset, especially at the fact that I experienced it by myself.
After learning our history, the doctor explained everything in great detail, mapping out a plan of different options, and giving us plans B, C, and D. I will never forget the comfort the doctor gave me during that appointment.
My husband and I both had to go through a bunch of testing. They did bloodwork and genetic testing. They found out that I had some hormonal imbalances, and the urology team discovered my husband’s sperm were not shaped correctly.
Either of these could have been the reason for the recurrent miscarriages we were having. We came up with a plan to start another round of IUI, which was unsuccessful. And then another round. Still unsuccessful. God, I have done EVERYTHING you’ve asked me to do. We followed your plan for marriage. I’ve finished school, what is going on? Why not now? I found myself back in the doctor’s office crying again.
She recommended we try In vitro fertilization (IVF). She shared that was how she conceived her two then-teenaged children. That gave me hope. Not only was my doctor’s bedside manner amazing, but she also went through the exact same thing I was about to endure. She shared about a grant available that we could apply for, which I thought was our solution. I wrote a 4-page story about our experience, but we didn’t get it. I remember feeling – I am spent, I am done. Lord, I surrender, whatever you’re going to do, please do. It was another disappointment, but I was determined not to let it stop us.
Our church was in prayer for us, our family was in prayer. We had nothing left to do, but to follow God’s steps. He made a way for IVF to be affordable for us after talking with the Finance Department. On January 27, 2023, we started the process of IVF. I would go to work in the morning, and my mom came over every night to give me a shot in my abdomen.
Every two days before work, I went to the doctor for bloodwork and an ultrasound. I had my egg retrieval on February 8th and was left with 5 embryos – 2 boys and 3 girls – all which are genetically normal. On March 21st, we did our egg transfer and on March 31st we found out we were expecting our son.
It was difficult not always having support throughout my entire experience. I didn’t tell many people, and I remember on that Mother’s Day in 2023, I had someone say to me “You’re not a mother so I’m not going to say Happy Mother’s Day to you.” That was crushing.
But I did receive support from my husband, and also my therapist. She helped me work through my emotions and always told me “to sit in my feelings.” Often I felt like I was putting how I was feeling on the backburner and not dealing with my miscarriage or abortion, and constantly blaming myself. It took some crying on the floor, screaming, writing, and praying, to free myself from it.
It was also helpful to have a friend who also had a similar experience. It was so needed to speak to someone who understood. Jayceon Smith was born on September 19, at 5:03 am, 3 lbs., 4ozs, and 15 inches long. But that’s for another story.
Encouragement
The best word of encouragement or suggestion is to know your body. If you keep having miscarriages or you just aren’t getting pregnant, go see a doctor and also do your own research. Come with questions to ask. You have to be your own advocate because a lot of times doctors don’t believe black women and their pain. If you have a doctor who doesn’t have a good bedside manner or you don’t get a good feeling, then get another opinion.
Trust God and pray, even when it is hard.
Prayer for Moms
Dear Lord,
Please bless the person reading this post. Please let them know that you do everything in your perfect timing. Please give them the strength to go through this journey with you by their side knowing that you will provide the desires of their heart. Please bless them with the stability, knowledge, and love to step into their motherhood journey and let them know to come to you for any and all things.
In Jesus’ Name, Amen
Want to hear more of Da’Shonda’s story? Watch our Moms Night In conversation on YouTube:
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