Every time I find myself thinking, “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” the Lord will invariably allow something else to happen in my life. This was also true back in 2017 when my son CJ was diagnosed with autism. As my husband and I sat on the comfortable tan sofa inside the psychologist’s office, waiting to hear the results from CJ’s assessment, I felt as if I was standing outside of my body, watching the whole thing. And yet, in my heart of hearts, I already knew what he was going to say. I knew that my baby was different, but I wasn’t sure how – or why. I just knew I didn’t want him to have another label.
CJ was born with hearing loss and received early intervention services from our state to assist with delayed speech. Even as a baby, we could see his outgoing personality and signs that he likely had a sense of humor. People would comment about how cute he was, and we never failed to leave a place without some goodies that workers, owners, and other moms insisted on giving him. As he grew, we saw his personality lighting up any room he walked into, along with his laughter, intelligence, and kindness drawing people in. A local mom that we often saw nicknamed him “the mayor.”
When he was two years old, his early intervention teacher noticed some behaviors that led her to suggest that he had some sensory challenges, and he was soon diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). At the time I didn’t realize that SPD was on the autism spectrum, but having a name for his differences armed us with information to understand him better. We were able to get him additional services such as Occupational Therapy (OT), feeding therapy, and enhanced speech therapy.
In the waiting room for many of those appointments, I began to form relationships with other parents. I also recognized some behavioral similarities between their kids and CJ. I started questioning whether my son was autistic, but felt that couldn’t be right. He was outgoing and intelligent. He wasn’t like Rain Man.
We decided to pursue testing so that we could have a clear idea about how to help him. It took a month to receive the results, and on the days following that fateful day in May, I grieved the man-child I was raising. Though I wasn’t angry with God, I certainly had a lot of questions – and for every question He had an answer.
Me: But how am I going to do this?
God: You’re not alone. Lo, I am with you ALWAYS. I’m also going to surround you with people who will not only love your family but embrace your child.
Me: But this is too hard!
God: I have given you EVERYTHING you need for life and godliness.
Me: But what about this NEW label? Lord, you know I don’t want him to have yet another one.
God: Susann, I have called CJ by name; He is Mine.
Me: Alright then.
I happened to be sitting in my kitchen with my best friend, who had come as soon as I told her the results. She asked me a few pointed questions, and as she did, this conversation with the Lord erupted in my head (or maybe I was speaking some of it out loud). It’s hard to remember. What is clear to me, however, is that I felt the Holy Spirit reveal to me this: He is the same amazing boy that he has always been. And those are the words that I DO remember speaking aloud.
I knew that I wanted him to experience everything available to him, and to be able to make choices about his own tastes. I wanted him to be seen for his character, abilities, and his intellect, not his disabilities. Some of the challenges we faced came from people who assumed that because he was autistic, he was therefore stupid and unintelligent. I remember him being referred to as “the autistic boy” by a volunteer teacher. I quickly corrected her by saying, “His name is CJ.”
If it was at all possible, I became even more of an advocate for him, and I built up a village/community of diverse moms (some from that same waiting room and others who were already in my circle of friends) who were open to learning and listening. They have had my back. At the time I would have said that the choosing of that community was organic but now I realize that God purposefully placed these people around me.
A couple of summers ago we placed him in a speech camp. I had no idea if he would take to it; I just knew that one of my closest sister-friends was running it and I trusted her to take care of him. On the first day, I arrived early for pickup and happened to witness the students giving their impromptu speeches where they had to “sell” some random item.
I watched in horror as my child rocked in his seat, totally (I thought) ignoring every child who had gone before him. I worried that his peers would laugh at him or worse, that he would feel bad about not understanding what to do. When it was finally his turn, he bounced up to the front in typical 9-year-old boy fashion, took a breath, and launched into a sales pitch that landed him a round of applause from his peers and smiles from his teachers.
I sat there with my mouth open. Who was this confident, articulate, passionate, and persuasive boy? When I later told my friend about how stunned I was, she responded with, “I wasn’t.” It turns out he is an excellent public speaker. He was the same amazing boy he always was.
My hope and prayer is that even as I want others to see his strengths, I won’t underestimate him. I also pray that he will live independently and be able to access everything he needs.
For any mom who suspects that her child is autistic, or if the child is newly diagnosed, I would like to offer encouragement.
A diagnosis is not an ending; it is a beginning:
- to learn more about your child and how he or she learns
- to allow you to learn about yourself and perhaps, adapt your parenting style
- to see your child as “differently-wired,” but certainly not less than.
There is nothing wrong with your child. He/She is fearfully and wonderfully made.
PRAYER FOR MOMS:
Heavenly Father, I know that You do not make mistakes. Before You formed (your child’s name) in my womb, you knew him/her. He/She is a gift from You. Protect him/her from anyone with evil intent or who does not understand people who are different from them. Help me to see my child as the gift You said that (child’s name) is. I trust that You have equipped me for everything I will do on his or her behalf. When I get discouraged, recall to my mind that You are faithful and I WILL have hope.
In Jesus’ mighty Name. Amen.
Want to hear more of Susann’s story? Watch our Moms Night In conversation on YouTube:
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