As a woman in her fifties, I can look back over my life and see how the sexual abuse I endured at 12 and 14 years of age shaped my life – in some ways for the better. My story of survival is not so different from many others; but nonetheless it’s my story to tell, and one that I am no longer ashamed to share.
I grew up in a two-parent home with hardworking parents. My father always arrived home before my mom. He instilled in me the importance of taking care of a home and encouraged me to learn to cook like my mom. He wanted me to learn how to take care of myself and to know how to be a good wife.
My mother worked in corporate America and struggled to find the balance between climbing the corporate ladder and taking care of her family. My parents were from the South, so, they were old-fashioned and ran a strict household. God and church were the core of my foundation. I was a happy child in a safe and loving environment, but even with a safe environment, the unimaginable can happen.
The Abuse
When I was 12 years old, I was left under the guidance of a person I thought of as a cousin. Although he was not blood-related, our families were extremely close, so he was family. Being the oldest, he was left to babysit me and my siblings when our parents went out. That was cool with me, as we always got along and had fun. That quickly changed after he began to sexually abuse me when babysitting. He isolated me from my brother and his sister so no one else knew what was going on.
I can’t recall how long this went on, but as a twelve-year-old it felt like eternity. His family eventually relocated out of state and the abuse stopped. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I told my parents what my “cousin” did. Of course, my parents were in disbelief and at a loss of words. I think mostly they felt helpless and didn’t know what to do.
Years later, I got an opportunity to confront him about what he did to me. Often, we think that confronting an abuser about their behavior would make us feel better. As I recall, it didn’t make a difference. I still felt damaged inside and out. I attempted to move on with my life and minimized the impact of the molestation. That was my first experience of being taken advantage of by someone I trusted, but it wouldn’t be the last.
At the age of 14, my real cousin came to live with us, after relocating from the South. The plan was to stay with us until he was able to find a job and “get on his feet.” Once again, I thought this was cool, as it would be like having another older brother in the house. I had a good rapport with my cousin and looked forward to hanging out with him after school.
After gaining my trust and making me feel safe in his presence, he began to abuse me as well. This time, the abuse went on for months with occurrences almost daily. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t tell anyone because he threatened to hurt me if I told anyone what was going on. I continued to function as if everything was okay until I could no longer deal with the hurt and the pain the abuse caused me.
I was afraid. I feared becoming a teen-age mom. I was afraid of what people would say and think about me being pregnant at 14 years old. I also wrestled with my faith because my cousin tried to convince me that what he was doing to me was normal. He would tell me that I shouldn’t be afraid or upset about what was going on and that it was okay. I was scared, confused and lost.
After months of enduring the molestation, I decided to say something. That was the day that I found my voice. I recall going to school thinking “today will be the day I say something.” I came home after school and thought about what I would say to my mom when she got home but couldn’t find the words.
I had this idea of writing her a note and leaving it under her make up compact and decided this would be the best way to tell her. I waited until she found it. She called me into her room and asked me about the note and I shared what was going on. She later told my father when he came home. My father confronted my cousin about his behavior, and not in a good way. It was a night I remember, as if it happened yesterday. Some things you just don’t forget.
The Healing Journey – When God wants to get your attention
For many years I lived in fear. Fear of what would happen if I saw my cousin during my daily travels. Life appeared to move on. Initially, I did not seek therapy for the abuse. I never thought I needed to. I shared the trauma with those I trusted, but didn’t feel like I needed to do anything more.
However, I slowly began to develop a mistrust for men. I couldn’t see it, but those that were close to me could. One day a dear friend asked me a question, “Do you think the mistrust you have for men may have to do with your abuse?” I looked at her in a very peculiar way and replied, “Huh! I never thought about that before, I will pray about it.”
That week I went to church on Sunday and the pastor preached a word that spoke directly to me. I don’t know how I got to the altar. I only recall being laid out in the spirit and the saints and mothers praying for me. That encounter was the beginning of my healing journey.
When God wants to get your attention, he will use anyone and anything to do so. I knew that the healing journey would be challenging, but I was determined with God’s guidance to be free. I knew that I wanted to be free from fear and from the pain that I was carrying.
The Journey Continues
Eventually, I did go to therapy to help process my trauma. One of my ways of coping was to write. I wrote all my feelings, fears and my experiences. I wrote about feeling damaged from abuse, to struggling to find myself again and finally walking into my healing. Writing was a release for me. It allowed me to release the tape that was playing on repeat in my head. Whenever I wrote my thoughts and feelings, I felt lighter.
When I think about what God has brought me through, I stand in awe of his goodness and am reminded of how much He loves me. I often wonder how I am still here. I think of the many girls and women whose lives have been impacted by abuse and how many of them have told their story. The reality is there are many women who never speak about what happen to them. Please know that it is never too late to speak your truth.
My story of survival can be found in the pages of two books: The Journey Continues, a poetry book that was released in 2018, and The Silent Cries of a Black Girl, a resource book to identify signs and symptoms of girls who have been sexually abused, which I released in 2023. God has placed a passion inside of me to support girls and women who have been impacted by abuse and to guide them in their healing journey. I am honored and humbled to do this work.
Prayer for Moms:
Dear Father,
I pray that your peace and love will rest on every woman who is struggling with abuse. Give them the strength to speak truth and to seek support. Remind us that you are with us and we do not have to carry this burden alone.
In Jesus Name, Amen.
Learn more about Siah at: https://www.siahbhagin.com
The Silent Cries of a Black Girl – https://www.siahbhagin.com/product-page/the-silent-cries-of-a-black-girl-supporting-girls-who-have-been-sexually-abused
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