It was a hot 2018 August day in South Texas when we heard the life-changing words, “Your daughter has cancer.” Alice was only four years old at the time, and we had two other young daughters. Though those words were a shock to us, they were not a surprise to the Lord. I later realized He was gently and graciously preparing me for that day, along with the many challenges we would soon face.
Rewinding several years, I remember my first pregnancy was high-risk and involved lots of specialist appointments. There were so many tests and ultrasounds as the doctors tried to figure out why my screenings were not normal. When our daughter Claire was finally born, she was perfect! God had miraculously healed her of all the things that had made us and our care team so anxious throughout my pregnancy.
Pregnant with Alice two years later, I found myself in the same specialist’s office. This time things looked significantly worse. Our doctor looked me in the eye and warned, “Don’t expect a second miracle”. We went home and prayed, and several months later another perfectly healthy little girl was born. God had done it again!
Four years later, we were back at the doctor’s office on that fateful day in August. That little girl who shouldn’t have expected a miracle was now in need of an even bigger one. And once again the enemy flooded our hearts with lies…
Possibly we had exhausted God’s favor toward us.
Maybe we shouldn’t bother Him with more requests.
Perhaps this time I’d have to white-knuckle my way through and fight this on my own.
If my faith was strong enough, I’d impress God enough so that he’d answer our prayers again.
Praise Jesus that He doesn’t ask us to white-knuckle our way through anything. Even before we knew exactly what we were dealing with, God’s compassion for me was overwhelming. He knew what we were about to walk into, and He had a plan to get me ready for the battle ahead.
Alice first started showing symptoms while we were at a family camp in Colorado. That week, the speaker kept referring to the book of Ephesians in the Bible and encouraging us to spend time reading it for ourselves. With the excitement of camp and the anxiety of our daughter’s health, I put off those instructions and figured I’d do it when it became more convenient.
By the end of the week, our daughter’s symptoms had worsened, and we realized it wasn’t just camp food causing her stomach aches. We found a small mountain clinic, where medication was provided, and tests were run. On the way home from camp, we stopped at a church for Sunday worship. The sermon was based on Ephesians. Again, I could feel that inner nudging to read it for myself.
A couple of days later, our home church sent out an email announcing the women’s ministry would be studying…you guessed it…Ephesians! As soon as I could, I grabbed my Bible, journal, and pen, and began reading. Immediately my journal was filled with promises of God, details of His holiness, assurances that come through faith in Christ, and reminders of who I am because of Jesus dying on the cross for me.
On the morning of August 22, I woke up early and read Paul’s prayer from Ephesians 3:
“And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.”
The doctors found a tumor that afternoon. We were surprised and terrified, but God knew the plan all along. Ephesians 3 was God’s gracious message to us that day. The diagnosis was Wilms Tumor, which originates in the cells of the kidney. Alice was admitted to the hospital right away, and two days later had surgery to remove the tumor; chemotherapy immediately followed.
Over the next months, as we experienced a grueling chemotherapy schedule and horrific side effects, the enemy taunted me with questions like:
“What did you do to deserve this?”
“Does God even love you to have given you something this hard?”
“What will you believe if God lets her die?”
“Perhaps you really have exhausted God with all your requests for miracles, you better not have hope.”
But God knew the enemy’s tactics. And He prepared me in advance for this mental onslaught. Before I even knew what battle was before me, the Lord had reminded me that I was rooted and established in His love. His love covers me, overwhelms me, and defines me. Out of His love, the Lord does things far beyond what we can ask or imagine. For the glory of Jesus, and for the sanctification of our faith.
One particular passage that I clung to was Ephesians 2:4-7
But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace, you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.
The cancer floor at the hospital was where God had intentionally seated me. It wasn’t an accident or a surprise. God knew all of this would happen before time began. He loved me, had me alive with Christ, saved me by His grace, and then seated me in a place where I would be able to grow in my understanding of His glory. Even though I would have preferred He seated me on the beach or a picturesque hiking trail, God knew that becoming a full-time caregiver for my daughter throughout this trial was really the best place for me to be. In a strange way, that hospital became Holy Ground and the shadow of the heavenly places where one day I’d be able to see Jesus clearly and not just through a veil of tears.
About a month into our daughter’s treatments on a Friday morning, we received test results showing Alice’s tumor cells were more aggressive than first thought. Her care team told me they had never seen these variations before and weren’t sure how best to treat her. Immediately we sent out an all-call to our community asking if anyone had connections to a bigger hospital or a specialist in her cancer type. That afternoon a friend sent me the email address for a woman at Texas Children’s – a hospital only a few hours away, and the home of one of the top tumor specialists in the country.
On Saturday morning I drafted an email using every buzzword I could think of and resigned myself to spending the upcoming Monday flooding their telephones until someone spoke to me. But the Lord does more than we can even imagine – and a few hours later I had an email response, followed by a phone call. We made the 3-hour drive to Houston after the specialist willingly gave up his day off to meet us and walk us through her new treatment plan!
Isn’t it beautiful that God would use the brokenness of this world to reveal the treasures that we have in Christ? He is a God who redeems all things. And our suffering is no exception. In fact, over time God showed me that my suffering and His love were inextricably, and mysteriously linked. Suffering is not an indication that God has removed His blessing or has not called me His daughter. If Jesus, who never sinned, and is the beloved Son of God, was allowed to suffer, then I should not be surprised when I suffer too. God’s ways are higher than my ways, and even when I don’t understand them, I can trust that He truly does work all things together for the good of those who love Him.
The Lord taught me so many things during our daughter’s battle with cancer. He taught me how to trust Him more fully, lean on Him more heavily, and see His character more clearly. He also taught me the value of His Word. It really is living and breathing, sharper than a two-edged sword.
If you’re a caregiver who spends a lot of time taking your child to the doctor, then you’ve probably experienced the feeling of being an anonymous person in the assembly line of the healthcare system. It’s a big deal if they learn your child’s name, but there is no way you’re going to ever get called something other than “Mom.” You are simply the caregiver.
But that’s not what God’s Word says about us. He tells us that our name is inscribed on His hands (Isaiah 49:16). When you read accounts of Jesus interacting with caregivers in the Bible, He called them by name. He personalized His interactions. He walked with them, spoke encouragement to them, invited them into the blessing of worship, and even wept with them.
God’s word was a lifeline to me during our daughter’s treatments. From the hope found in Ephesians, to the personal interactions of Jesus with caregivers. It was through Scripture, and God’s gentleness with me that I realized I didn’t need to white-knuckle my way through suffering anymore. God’s love for me wasn’t based on how strong my faith was, it was based on the fact that I belonged to him. I am His and therefore I am beloved. It wasn’t about how well I could hold on to Jesus, but rather how He was holding on to me.
I cared so much about sharing this hope with others that after our daughter went into remission, I wrote a book. Who Cares for You? is my 4-week Bible study for caregivers. It walks readers through four of Jesus’ encounters with caregivers. And it reminds readers that in all your caregiving, Jesus cares for you. That is the ultimate lesson that God taught me through our daughter’s cancer journey. It wasn’t about how well I could hold on to Jesus, but rather how tightly He was holding on to me. The Creator of heaven and earth had been caring for me all along. May you also have eyes to see the ways God is caring for you in all of your challenging seasons of life.
Prayer for Moms:
Dear Jesus,
Thank you for these moms and the ones they care for. Thank you for being tender and gentle with them. Bless them with a deeper understanding of how much you love them and show them where you are present in their trials. Sustain them, equip them, and cover them with your grace.
In your precious name I pray, Amen.
How can you relate to Marissa’s story? What lesson has her story taught you about God, especially when dealing with a tough situation? Share in the comments!
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