I have always been one to hold everything close to me, never wanting to show any weakness or cracks in the armor I had encased myself in. But anytime I can share about my brother, I do. He is no longer here and sharing about him keeps his memory alive in this world.
To Melvin Curtis Berry Jr., whom I affectionately called Mel-Mel to annoy him, I was the whiny brat little sister that most big brothers would love to get rid of. However, my brother embraced the brat and loved me to my core. My brother and I were both born in June, nine years apart. Imagine having to have shared birthday parties with your little sister. He hated it because they became girly-based cookouts rather than celebrations he really wanted, but he suffered through until we found a shared interest – roller skating!
That would be our party from when I turned 11, until our final shared birthday celebration at age 17. Melvin was killed in a hit-and-run motorcycle accident three months after that birthday. The level of loss I felt is something I could never truly grasp because even though he was gone, at that age, I couldn’t fully process how much he would be missing out on in my life. As I grew older, I also thought about all the things he would never get to accomplish in his own life.
At 26 years of age, and in the prime of his life, Melvin was moving up in his career as a police officer for the city of Newark, NJ and he was genuinely truly happy. As I reflect on my brother’s death, I realize I was devastated for several reasons. First, because of how he died. Second, because of the effect it had on our family dynamic, and finally because he hadn’t fulfilled all of the things he set out to do in life.
My brother was an amazing cop as he was the definition of becoming the change you wanted to see. I remember when my brother would play basketball with the local drug dealers to prevent them from being able to sell drugs for a few hours. During this time, he would be trash-talking but encouraging them to finish school because “hanging on the street is getting you beat by an old man.”
My brother was the go-to for everyone in my family until he died. He took on the man-of-the-house role three months after he turned 18, when my dad died on September 3rd, 1993. On September 7th, 2001, Melvin was struck by a car while riding his motorcycle and left for dead; ultimately succumbing to his injuries on September 16th, 2001. His funeral was on September 21st, 2001. Needless to say, I cannot stand the month of September. My brother was hit 4 days before 9/11 and this date drastically made a difference in not just our personal suffering, but the country as a whole.
Due to the tragic events of 9/11, my family and I were unable to remain vigilant in my brother’s care. The hospital shut down so they could prepare for possible traumas due to the Twin Towers collapsing during the terror attack. Although we understood the circumstances, I felt personally offended because my brother was clinging to life and we had to abandon him and leave him alone again, just like he was left on the road.
One thing I appreciated after receiving the call from my brother’s friends about the accident, was that my mother and I were able to speak to him. I let him know that I loved him before he was intubated. He was never able to speak to any of us again.
My brother was my absolute best friend, my safe haven, and the one person to whom I was 100% honest with and told everything. When he died, I lost that and selfishly no longer wanted to be here without him. I remember what he always told me in those early days; those words of wisdom helped me be the strong one for everyone else. He’d advise me, “Hey big head, remember there is nothing too hard in life. You just have to learn to adapt and find the joy in learning a new approach.” Even though we were not religious growing up, he sure found a way to speak life into me.
My brother being left alone to die in the street really devastated me. One should not do that to an animal, let alone a person. My family was shattered, as we had just been together to remember our father on the anniversary of his passing. Four days later we were in the hospital praying for Melvin to pull through from his injuries.
I was so lost when he died. I wanted him to be at my high school graduation. I needed his opinion on where I should go to college. And with my dad being gone, Melvin was supposed to walk me down the aisle when I eventually got married. He died with no children, so what did that mean for his legacy?
I eventually took those thoughts and internalized them, making it my mission to live for him. As much as I didn’t want to go on, I had to for him. I had to show people what an amazing father he would have been by living the life lessons he had taught me. I had to work in a field of service to help others to continue where he left off. The only reason I did not apply to be a cop was because all his friends warned me not to and reminded me that my mother would not survive another loss.
There were times right after my brother passed when I wanted to die because I felt there was no purpose for me being here since he and my father were gone. I was reminded of all the things my brother did for me, and how selfish it was for me to not want to live after he sacrificed so much for me. I took those sacrifices and turned them into the fuel I needed to push through the bad days and renew my zest for life.
I still felt the pain and lived through the sadness, but I also built upon the happy memories. Life will never be the same and knowing that allows me to not dwell on what cannot be changed. However, with his memory and his words to guide me, that helps me see things through to the end. I know it’s okay to grieve and have bad days, but I live with the purpose of adding to Melvin’s dreams, aspirations, goals, and plans to my life to make sure that they will be fulfilled.
Grief to me is an ongoing process – good days and bad days. Initially, the grief was overbearing and all-consuming. I could not see my way out of it, not even to reflect on the good things and memories. I was just stuck in the pain, and consumed with the things I would be missing out on with Melvin. I still grieve my brother daily, but I live with it because I try to live my life in a way that would make him proud. I always strived to make him proud of me and I still use that as a baseline every day.
ENCOURAGEMENT FOR MOMS:
I’m determined to continue to LIVE and BELIEVE.
BELIEVE – I think we enter situations questioning if God is really going to show up or wondering what He is doing. The more I give myself to God and trust His word over my life, I can live without fear, doubt, or any other negative idea because I trust that no matter the outcome, I will be able to make it through. I trust the word of God and know that all things work for my good. Matthew 8:13 says, Then Jesus said to the centurion, “Go! Let it be done just as you believed it would.”
In the beginning, it is going to feel impossible, but that’s when you have to live for your loved one. When it becomes a bearable grief, you use their memories as fuel to keep moving forward. You, in essence, become the legacy they left behind as you represent them.
Grief will forever be a part of our lives. The longer we live, the more opportunities there will be for us to experience grief, so we must appreciate each day we have with our loved ones. Losing a father, brother, or son are some of the hardest losses because the roles they play in our lives are so pivotal and transformative.
LIVE and know your love for them allows them to continue living through you – especially through the memories and the stories you share, and the things you do in their honor.
Lastly, I suffered a major loss during the developmental phase of my life, which led me to rebel and close myself off from people, pushing along like everything was fine. I want my story to help moms navigate the difficult path of dealing with teens who lost their siblings, so they will know how to assist them and give them space to figure things out.
Just remain available to them so when they are ready, you are there for them. Help them seek the care they need so that they can learn ways to safely navigate through grief, and not cause additional pain to an already grieving family.
I learned through this process that God is truly in the midst of everything even when I did not have a relationship with Him back then. But once I noticed His presence, I started to see things from a different perspective, and the healing began.
PRAYER FOR MOMS:
Father God,
Thank you for allowing us the time we had with our loved one, thank you for the good memories, and thank you for providing our spirits the ability to rest. Not every day is great, but not every day is bad either. Thank you for allowing us to see the beauty that life still has to offer, even during our time of grief. Whether it is Day 1 or Year 25, we thank you for continuing to keep us, love us, and encourage us to move forward, as the work that we have to do is not finished. I pray that every person reading this prayer will find the peace of mind that only you can give and allow them to see that although things have not gone as they may have hoped, it is all a part of the journey you have them on.
In the matchless name of Jesus, we pray AMEN!
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