My name is Danine Huff Romero, and I was born and raised in Delaware, the place I continue to call home. My African American parents met in college during the civil rights movement, and I grew up in the ‘burbs playing outside and riding my bike all day. I spent summers with my grandparents on the Eastern Shore, putting on performances with my cousins and playing make-believe. I was a generally happy child. I thought we were rich (inaccurate) and that I could do or be anything in the world. This was not supposed to happen to me.
Professionally, I have held Marketing and Business Technology roles in the financial business sector. I passionately serve community youth and educational programs. I successfully adulted as a single woman until I was almost 38, when I got married. At the beginning of my marriage, it was super fun and reminiscent of my dating life.
I started to see changes after having my first child. Counseling later helped me realize that I had been verbally and physically abused during my marriage. If I questioned his whereabouts, spending, and with whom he was mingling, very foul language was the response. I was even called disgusting names in front of others, including his family members. At that time, I just chalked it up to him acting like a jerk, but never understood it to be abuse.
Fast forward almost two years, and we learned our son was diagnosed with Autism. We had to learn many components of Autism very quickly, like stimming, sensory processing disorder, and delayed speech. It was stressful, and I bore the lion’s share of the parental load. One evening after bedtime, my ex and son were in our bed, and I was in the next room studying.
The baby was stimming and unsettled, then I heard a loud smacking noise. I turned the volume on the TV down and heard it again, but this time, I also heard the words “go to bed” really loudly. I ran to the bedroom and yelled, “What are you doing, did you just hit him?” He confronted me and told me to get out of the room and that he could discipline his son if he wanted to.
At this point, I told him that if he needed a break, just to come and get me, but not to beat him because he couldn’t help stimming. My words made him enraged, and he told me to get out of the room or he’d put me out. I said give me the baby, and I will leave. He said no, get out. At this point, I was not going to leave my child with him because he was not in control emotionally or behaviorally.
I attempted to approach the bed and get my son. He pushed me back towards the door, and I ended up struggling with him in the door frame. He took both of his hands and repeatedly slammed the door against my body, trying to get me to leave the room. I suffered several blows to my body from the force of the door.
Finally, I was able to a good swing in and struck him across his nose. Stunned, he let go of the door, and I grabbed my son. The turn of events is when he became even more enraged and yelled, “Oh, you want to hit me – you want to hit me? I’m calling the police for spousal abuse.”
By then, I was back in the other room and did not care what he was doing or who he was calling. The police came, and he told them his version of the story. Thankfully, they were extensive and asked if it would be okay if they spoke to me, to which he agreed. The police called out to me and asked if they could come upstairs. Of course, I said yes. They asked some questions about what happened, and I answered honestly about every detail that had transpired.
They then asked for permission to touch me and look at my head. After the examination, they asked if someone could come and be with my son because they were placing him under arrest for endangering the welfare of a child and domestic violence. I had to go to the hospital because unbeknownst to me, my ear had been severed from my head during the scuffle. I never felt the blood or noticed the bruises down the side of my body.
Thankfully, I did not have a concussion; stitches and a minor surgery fixed my ear. My initial emotion was pure anger! I couldn’t believe that he got so upset with our son, knowing we just learned about his special needs and behaviors. I was disappointed in him. Honestly, I thought he was out of his mind as I didn’t recognize him as the person I married. I was mad for a long while.
After his arrest, one of the bail conditions was to have no contact with me, our son, or our home. I became the sole parent responsible for everything. I financially kept the household running. I worked with doctors, therapists, and the school district to get therapeutic services started for our son. I began counseling for myself and sought legal guidance, all while working full-time. I was exhausted and very disappointed in his lack of involvement concerning our child. I was dealing with the emotions of this experience, as well as the feelings arising from my son’s diagnosis. It was isolating, depressing, embarrassing, and scary; I felt uncertain about the future.
After the State successfully prosecuted him, he approached me and virtually begged me to return home, stating that he did not realize he hurt me the way he did. Don’t judge me, but I let him come home after seeing him cry and hearing the promises he made. For a while, his behavior was perfect. He was newly dedicated and seemed to be the man I thought I married. Over the next couple of years, we had a daughter. I was never physically harmed by him again, but the verbal assaults were cruel and often. By the time our daughter was one and a half years old, he left the household, and I filed for divorce.
Through all of this, God was in the details of my life. He reminded me that I was here and that I would be fine. God healed my physical body. My counselor released me as a patient. He said it would be unethical to continue my appointments, as he found that I had a sound mind. I was certainly sad and extremely hurt. My fairytale was upended. It was lonely and difficult, but my doctor said I was NOT depressed. I did not require any medication to cope. He said I was remarkably well. So how could that be? It was through God and God alone.
God took care of every single thing that was on my mind. First and foremost, I was laser-focused on therapies and services for my son. God hand-picked what I believe were the best doctors, therapists, and teachers. I mean, even staff members would say, “You’ve got the best person” for our different needs.
To this day, some of the professionals continue to reach out to check on my son. I am telling you, God set aside his best for me. I couldn’t even think straight at work some days. I had a stressful project at work that required meeting aggressive deadlines. What did God do? He gave me a lifetime work friend who picked me up when I was down, covered for me if I couldn’t do anything, protected me, and genuinely cared.
God gave me a family who supports me and my children, and fill in when I need help. My mother, a retired teacher, followed the school bus (both ways) the day I sent my 2-year-old to public school to start therapy. Thank God she is retired and has a flexible schedule. She also babysat my daughter until age two, when she began daycare.
Even though I had doubts and tears, God also handed out his share of blessings. He gave me the means to purchase a new home. He sent a recruiter who was seeking someone for a job role just a few months after I was let go by the previous company I served for 14 years. The recruiter made me an offer three days later. Before the divorce, I went back to school and was also able to complete a terminal degree amid custody and divorce court dates. God kept me through EVERYTHING. When it looked like things were going array, God’s blessings blew me away.
ENCOURAGEMENT FOR MOMS:
The one thing that you should know from my experience is that God is in the details. When you pray, talk to him like you do your best girlfriend. Tell him the things you think sound weird to say to God. Don’t be paralyzed by fear. Research states that the phrase ‘Fear Not’ is in the Word 365 times – enough for a daily reminder not to be afraid. Trust and believe that you were not born to be abused. You were born to worship and praise God. Practice those things and let HIM work out the other details.
Separate yourself and your children from abusive behavior to protect your physical person and your mental health. Seek good professional, legal, and spiritual counsel if you find yourself in an abusive situation. This way you can have impartial people help you navigate your options. Remember to always pray and tell God EVERYTHING!
PRAYER FOR MOMS:
Father in the name of Jesus, please watch over moms who are navigating abusive situations. Please protect them and their children physically and mentally. Lord, please help them have the strength to seek good and trusted resources to help them succeed. Do not let them be troubled by embarrassment or fear. Remind them how much you love them by showing up in their details. In Jesus’ precious name. Amen!
National Domestic Violence Hotline
See Danine’s blog and Moms Night In conversation about Autism here:
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