When I think of my dad, Dr. John Albert Henderson III, it’s so hard to isolate just one special or unique thing about him. Daddy had a larger-than-life personality, which is often how our family members describe him. Even now, on his birthday, Father’s Day, and on the anniversary of his death, someone always talks about his huge personality.
My dad was literally the life of the party. In his family, he was the wild child. He was the one to get the party started and shut the party down. And much like his personality, whenever he did something, he did it big and so he got in big trouble. That personality was unique and special to him, and it is something that I came to love as an adult when we formed an even tighter bond as father and daughter in a more seasoned way.
As a child, my dad was not around a lot. He was a Navy Midshipman, so he was away many months out of the year. My early memories are of him coming home off the ship and bringing me a doll from every country he visited. My parents split up when I was about six and divorced when I was around ten, so I have more memories of my dad being away than I do of him being present.
I had always maintained connections with my paternal grandparents and all of his extended family. So even though he and I didn’t see each other often, I spent a lot of time with his side of the family, and through that, I felt connected to him because I was always John’s daughter or “Windy’s”, as they called him, little girl.
Although I can’t pinpoint many early childhood memories with him directly, he was always a very present force as I grew up. When I was 12, I had the opportunity to reconnect with my dad at a family reunion in Florida. It was the first time I had spent significant time with my dad in almost six years. It was also the first time I met my dad’s girlfriend and future wife, Mom Cheryl. That trip was the turning point for my dad and me, and I know it set the tone for our relationship from that point forward.
After that family reunion, my father was dedicated to spending more time with me. He and my mother worked out a better-shared custody agreement. I started spending my summers with him and my soon-to-be stepmom and a few weekends throughout the year with them.
I have so many memories from my younger years of the stories that my family told me about my dad and the wild and crazy things that he did. I vividly remember him returning from Spain with a doll in a big yellow and black dress that Spanish dancers wore; and a pair of castanets personalized with my name. I just remember his face. He was so proud to have brought that back for me and I was so enamored with it. I was so excited about that doll and the handheld instrument!
As I got older, we spent more time together. I have vivid memories of him and I driving in the car, laughing, listening to music, and just being silly. My stepmom traveled quite a bit for work, so there were times when it was just my dad and I during the summer. I remember one weekend when we were alone. Mom Cheryl was in a different state and my dad said he was hungry. I told him I’d cook dinner, but he didn’t think that I could do it.
I don’t think he realized that when I lived with my mom during the school year, I had to prepare dinner, shop for groceries, and do laundry, so I was very independent. I also spent a lot of time with his mother, and I remember calling her to inform Daddy that she taught me how to fry chicken, make string beans, macaroni and cheese, and her famous pound cake.
After we hung up, my dad and I then went to the grocery store, shopped for all of the groceries, and I made dinner. Dad was so impressed; he could not believe that this 16-year-old was cooking just like his mother. It brought us together as I remember how proud AND how full he was!
My dad was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer on January 25, 2019. It caught me completely by surprise because I knew that he wasn’t feeling well but I had no idea this would be the diagnosis. Watching my father go through that cancer treatment was life-changing.
Unfortunately, when the cancer was discovered, it had already progressed to the point where it was in his lungs and bones, so sadly it was terminal. There was very little that could be done because the cancer had already destroyed his entire pancreas and was spreading to other organs rapidly.
We asked Dad if he wanted to fight, and initially, he was willing to go through chemo. He completed two rounds, but the chemo just made him feel completely awful. After that, he decided not to go through it anymore, and made his peace with his prognosis.
We had no choice but to accept it. I was able to spend a lot of time with him during his illness, going over to his house every week. My daughters were able to spend some time with him, although he really did not want them to see him in that state. Sadly, Daddy lost his fight exactly 90 days after his diagnosis, in April 2019.
His wish for at-home hospice allowed me and my stepmom to be with him and hold his hand as he took his last breath. We played hymns and prayed, setting the atmosphere for his peaceful transition. It was heartbreaking, but it was the most serene experience that I’ve ever had. I watched as God woke up my father in his final resting place, and I will never forget the feeling of peace that washed over me after we realized that he had transitioned.
After Daddy’s passing, I struggled with God to understand why. My dad had turned his life around and was such a faithful servant, so I couldn’t understand how and why God would choose this way for him to go. We had spent so many years apart, and I just couldn’t understand why he would take my dad away. My daughters had a bond with their G-pop that can’t be put into words. I was so sad for them because their time with him was cut short and I know the memories that they could’ve had would’ve been just incredible.
The support that I received from my family and friends was unmatched. As an only child, I did not have some of the challenges that some of my other friends had in the way of bickering or dealing with siblings about the affairs of parents. However, I didn’t realize how hard it would be when you don’t have siblings to lean on. Thankfully, my circle of sister-friends showed up and were by my side every step of the way, making pancreatic awareness ribbons for us to wear, facilitating the program, and making sure that my daughters had the right stockings, shoes, and dresses. They were simply amazing.
I also had the support of my husband and my in-laws as they stood right by us and stepped in with anything that we needed during that time. I was given so many words of wisdom, encouragement, and love. My grief was compounded and most difficult during COVID, as we were all alone and I was grieving so strongly and missing my daddy in such a real way. It was also heavy for me to realize my stepmom was isolated in the house that they shared. I did my best to speak often and be there for her.
During COVID we learned that my father’s mother was battling cancer. I buried my grandmother in November 2020. Grief had me in a chokehold. I didn’t realized how depressed I was after my father’s death. Through the beginning of the pandemic, and then the burial of my grandmother, I started to recognize the depth of my grief.
My life crumbled in the span of 18 months. My grief was compounded by other losses and life changes that colored everything I experienced. I would grieve, and then I would pause. I would pivot to another tragedy, and then I would grieve some more. It was and continues to be an uphill battle, however, every day is a little bit better than the day before.
I’ve learned how to lean into my feelings in the moment and recover from them quickly while permitting myself to feel for as long as I need. I had the opportunity to reflect on the lessons instilled by my father and his family. I’m truly grateful.
Being alone in that quiet space is hard. There are some days when I just miss him tremendously; I pull up a picture or go to his contact in my phone. I look at his email. I just miss him. I’m happy to say that those bad days are far and fewer between now, and I’m grateful for that.
Even though I don’t understand why this happened, there is a reason that God took my dad at the time He did. I trust God and have to be OK with it. I’ve struggled with regulating my feelings and piecing things together in the right context, but my faith has never wavered. It was simply tested because so much was happening in my life, all at once.
I’m learning to operate within my new reality. When I feel the urge to shed tears, I let them fall. I know my father was saved, so I know where he is. I am grateful to say that healing is occurring every day.
Encouragement for Moms:
It is important for your mental stability to accept that you may never understand God’s reasoning, but you can learn to live with it, and you can choose to be resilient and move forward. Your loved one will always be with you if you carry them in your heart and remember the good times.
Even in your darkest hours, God has not left you. He has not forgotten you and He has prepared you for such a time as this. I encourage you to take things day by day, moment by moment. I encourage you to allow yourself to feel. And I encourage you to give yourself time to work through the sadness, but after you feel the sadness, you have to get up. You have to acknowledge that things are no longer the same and they will always be different because this is your new reality, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t make memories and live in a way that honors your loved one.
Prayer for Moms:
Heavenly Father, I lift up your daughter to you in this moment of sorrow. I pray that you heal her heart and fill it with your peace that surpasses all understanding. Remind her that your perfect will is at work in her life, even amidst her grief.
Lord, comfort her during the quiet hours when she is alone with her thoughts, and let her feel your loving presence when she misses her beloved parent. Help her to remember that she is never alone, for you have given her the Holy Spirit, our Comforter, to be with her now and always.
In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.
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