It is Well With My Soul – by Tina May

From as far back as I can remember, my brother Tyrone was the greatest thing ever and could do no wrong in my eyes. We had a very unique relationship – he’s the oldest and I’m one of the babies in the family. In my early childhood, we weren’t close at all, as he would make my twin and myself fight (and when I say fight, I mean fist fight!); he would always be in her corner and my oldest sister Tonya was always in my corner. I’m sure life was rough for him, having four younger sisters and being the only boy, so I understand him always picking on us or not wanting to be bothered with us.

But as we got older, everyone thought we were the twins of the family, instead of me and my actual twin because we looked so much alike. To me, that was the greatest compliment because I simply adored my brother. As we grew older, we became extremely close. We lived in the same town, and I would always be at his house. Since neither of us was married, we became each other’s date on many occasions. I loved his kids like they were my own and through different moments in life, I had a special bond with each of them.

My brother passed from COVID-19 in April of 2020, a month after the nation went on lockdown. I remember my mother texting me and my sisters, along with his children, to inform us that Tyrone was taken to the hospital as they suspected he had COVID. About a week prior, I remember he hurt his back at work and was in so much pain. He ended up in the ER. Later, I dropped something off at his house, but I just sent it in with my daughter really quickly and went on with whatever I was doing.

Of course, he texted me fussing, asking why I didn’t come in and see about him. Any other time I would have gone in and joked with him and let him play with my daughter – who is his goddaughter, but for some reason, I didn’t. That is a moment I wished I could change – if I had the chance to do it over, I would definitely have done things differently.

After reading the text from my mom, I immediately texted him to let him know that he would get through this and that I loved him. He texted me right back – to this day I can’t go back and look at the text. Since we were all on lockdown, over the next 2 weeks, we received updates via text from my mother about Tyrone’s condition, as he was put on the ventilator soon after he was admitted.

Daily updates had me all over the place, sometimes the report was good, other times it was distressing, and you never knew when they were coming or how they would be. It was an extremely stressful place to be in. I would go on 3-mile runs daily to try and clear my head and relieve some stress. Anyone who knows me knows I hate running, but it really helped me during that time. I would pray and listen to gospel music and after the run, my spirit was lifted.

A day or two before he passed, we received some promising news that things were turning around for the better. On Resurrection Sunday, we were all on a high, and in church, I shouted the victory that all would be well. Later that day, we received news that Tyrone had taken a turn for the worse, but I was still on such a high from church that morning, so I wasn’t worried at all.

I took my mother a plate of food from our Easter dinner and saw the worry in her eyes. I tried to reassure her that Tyrone would be fine because that’s what I believed wholeheartedly. In the middle of the night, we got a text from my mom saying he passed. I was in such disbelief – it was a dream, and not real at all.

Grief was a new emotion for me. I don’t think I had the opportunity to grieve his death right after his passing. I felt like I needed to hold everything together for my family. It’s really different being on the other side of the coffin. With our family being in the funeral business for my entire life, I’ve been around death all the time. But this was different. And since we were in the pandemic, we didn’t have the support of family and friends to be around and comfort us.

Grief is a process. I feel like grief is learning how to be ok with someone’s death. Grief is learning to feel and go through all the emotions that come with losing someone. As I continue to grieve, the biggest emotion I am coping with is just profound sadness. I do experience other emotions like guilt, hurt, anger, and shock, but this sadness just takes me to another place.  In an instant, my whole mood can change, and I go to a place where I’m quiet and I just don’t want to be bothered. I know at times I lashed out at my kids and best friends because I didn’t take the time to properly grieve.

After my brother’s death, I didn’t make space for support. I was focused on being the support for my family and making sure my kids were good. Also, during that time, it was really hard to get support because of the pandemic restrictions. My mindset was to be strong, forget about me, and make sure everyone else was good – especially my mother. I just wanted to be there for her in any way that I could.

I questioned why God took my brother and why couldn’t this COVID have just passed over my family. When I initially found out he had COVID, my mind immediately went to death, thinking he wasn’t going to make it. There were so many reports of death on the news. I remember feeling like my family had been so blessed and covered, and that maybe it was our turn to go through turmoil.

I know God never promised us all sunny days, so it was time for our storm. But then I put that thought in the back of my mind, praying for God to do the unthinkable for my brother. I just felt if Tyrone came through this – oh boy, what a testimony he would have! But that was not God’s plan.

I was never mad at God for my brother’s death. In fact, his passing drew me closer to Him. He is God and He does everything well!! We don’t have to understand why He does what He does or His timing, but I trust that God took my brother because He was ready for Tyrone to come home.

That’s a hard pill to swallow because we’re human and we want things done our way. We want our prayers answered in a certain way and at a certain time. But I just trust that the God I serve does everything well! I could never turn away from God. The more I go through, the more I need Him.

Writing this has actually been good for my healing. Throughout these past 4 years, I really haven’t talked much about this painful experience. I’m just not a talker and I keep a lot in. Writing this story and reflecting on my experience has brought me some healing. People ask me how I’m dealing with losing my brother and I honestly didn’t know how to answer that. You hear the saying, time heals all wounds, but during that time, there is still work to do. I had avoided doing that work, but writing this story has been a step in the right direction. I will keep going. I will keep doing the work.

PRAYER FOR MOMS:

Heavenly Father,

I ask that you would be with moms who are grieving. I pray they would trust and believe that no matter what it may look like, or how much it hurts, that they would know you do all things well. Help them know that you want the best for them, and that you know exactly what you’re doing, especially when we lose someone we love.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

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